Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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