U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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