New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
