Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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