I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
