I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
