Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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