Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
