She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
