She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
