Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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