I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
