Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
