i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
