im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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