My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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