Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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