My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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