You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
