**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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