best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
