My liver just broke up with me...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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