Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
