They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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