I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
