I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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