Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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