??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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