Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
