you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize