haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
