My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
