Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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