He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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