On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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