Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I met the friendliest cop last night
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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