i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
