I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
