Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
