I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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