its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
