And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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