I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
