I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
