my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
