i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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