ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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