I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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