A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
