I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
