Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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