when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
