today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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