I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
