so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
did you just send me my own nude
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
