So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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