we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
just found out that she named her cat after me.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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